It's hitting me that we'll be leaving for China in about 1 month. I've got butterflies in my stomach saying that. So many emotions as I think about leaving my other 3 kids home for 2 weeks without us. We've never been away for that long- it's going to be hard on all off us (and the grandparents). It's especially hurting my heart that I won't be at Chase's first day of Kindergarten- it's one of my favorite events of the year- back to school. After a long, but fun summer together, I love seeing the excitement on their faces as they look at their class lists, meet their teachers, and find their lockers. It's like fresh start. This will for sure be the hardest day for me.
An adoption update (bear with me): We're only one step away from receiving travel approval to go get our sweet girl...I'm definitely feeling the weight of everything that's about to happen. This point in the process feels somewhat like the end of pregnancy...the anticipation of this new little one that will be joining our family, the nesting and preparation that takes place, the "what ifs" that run through your head, and the sleepless nights that leave you feeling exhausted the next day...only I'm not lying awake because of the discomfort of a growing belly or because of wiggly, little baby feet kicking the inside of me, but I lie awake wrestling with all the mixed emotions and thoughts that come with adoption. I lie awake thinking about Scarlett and the many things that she's already been through in her short little life, things that most of us will never experience. I think about her birth mother and the heartache and sacrifice that she made to choose life for her. We will probably never know the circumstances that lead her in needing to give her up, but from what we do know I have absolute faith that she loved her. I think about her foster mother...the woman who's been caring for her all this time and the heartbreak that she will go through in having to let her go. I think about the grief, loss, fear, bewilderment, and helplessness that Scarlett is going to feel when we take her from her...and it kills me. It takes my breath away to think about how much grief and loss is involved with adoption. There are some days that it's just unbearable to think about and I literally need to conscientiously block it from my mind. Don't get me wrong, adoption is a beautiful thing! Adoption is hope, redemption, love, and most importantly, it a picture of the gospel of Jesus Christ who has adopted us into his forever family! So again, adoption is one of the most wonderful things this side of heaven...but there's also another side. Adoption is full of grief and loss. It's messy, it's traumatic, and it's filled with unknowns...but it is absolutely, and totally worth it!! I don't have any idea what life will be like when we bring Scarlett home. We've never met this child, we don't know the half of what she's been through, and we don't know what to expect other than the fact that it will be difficult. But what I DO know is this...I know my God! This God I know is Father to the fatherless, defender of the orphan and the widow, and this God I know...is love. I KNOW that he has called us to this and I KNOW that he alone will supply our every need in order to glorify him and be a forever family to this child! I don't know what it will look like or how the Lord will do it, but because I know Him, I know He is faithful and will keep His promises. Because I know Him, is how I can tell you that all of this, no matter how hard it is, will be totally worth it!
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