It's been 1 year. Scarlett's first Gotcha Day!

August 8, 2016- This was a day we'd been waiting for since August 27, 2012 when I sent Nathan an email with a few links about adoption. This is part of what I wrote "Right now, I'm just feeling a very strong calling, but want to gather information and do research first, of course. This process can take a few years, I've heard!

So much happened in the 4 years it took to get on that plane and fly over to our daughter's birth country. We felt called to adopt from Ethiopia. We followed the path God was leading us on. A few years into that journey, God called us to switch countries due to the fact that things were slowing down tremendously in Ethiopia, and the adoption situation over there was looking more and more bleak by the day. On a family trip to Colorado in the summer of 2015, Nathan and I were able to get away just the 2 of us while the kids were at a day camp. We went on a hike and sat by a beautiful stream where we prayed together. We prayed for our family and for the our child- that God would show us what He wanted us to do. He gave us peace to move forward with switching to China. Our hearts broke for the child we were leaving behind in Ethiopia, but felt strongly that God was leading us down a different road (He sometimes does that, and we know that His timing is perfect. Always). I'm not sure how someone would get through this process without faith! 

(to the right see 2 pics we received of Scarlett when we received THE phone call we'd been waiting for- that we'd finally been matched with a child)

(this pic was after lunch and right before going to meet Scarlett- I remember how I felt in this moment- I've never been so nervous)

(this was the moment that we met her- the first pic taken by me of her)

August 8, 2017- We've known our daughter for 1 whole year. I'm still processing the emotions of what this has meant for me as a mother, and for our family. I'm overcome with love for God first and foremost. Let me tell you- the first few months were ugly (getting brutally honest here). While Scarlett was growing and blossoming in our family, I was struggling. And I felt HORRID about it. Like, I hated what I was seeing in myself. Turns out, I'm not alone. There's whole Facebook page dedicated to Post Adoption Depression parents. So, I found myself in a dark place after one of the most amazing experiences of my life! And I definitely was not prepared for it, or equipped to handle it on my own. I'd never suffered from depression or postpartum depression in the past. Luckily we are not alone, and since I recognized that things weren't quite right for me, I reached out for help. I'm thankful for the support of some friends who were going through he same thing who encouraged and supported me through that Facebook group. I also seeked counsel with a therapist who was able to explain to me why I was feeling the way I was. Once I gave myself some grace and room to grow into my love for Scarlett, things changed, and I am praising God for this because there are people who have been suffering for years after adopting their kids!! I can also praise God that He was right there with me through that tough time, teaching me and helping me grow in my faith even more as I leaned on Him to pull me out of that darkness! And now I can support others who are finding themselves in this place after adoption. 


So, basically I had to learn how to bond with Scarlett in a different way than I'd bonded with my 3 biological kids. You see, I carried those 3 kids and felt them grow inside my body. The minute they were born, I loved them fiercely, like no other love you could experience. But with Scarlett, she grew in another woman. That woman bonded with her as this child was formed in her womb. It wasn't me. I didn't give birth to Scarlett. I didn't breast feed Scarlett. As a mother to biological children, I did not know how to bond with Scarlett. Here's where God's perfect timing comes in (yet again). The kids had gone back to school on the day we got home from China. Nathan went back to work the next week. Day after day, it was just Scarlett and I- we had ample time just the 2 of us to get to know one another. It took some time, and moment after moment after moment of me mothering her by bathing, feeding, dressing, and caring for her. Over time, those love in action moments became love in emotion, and finally we formed that mother/daughter bond, and that fierce love grew. I went from acting the love to actually FEELING the love. It took about 3 months, I think. I remember rocking her one day before nap, looking into her sweet face, and becoming overcome with emotion for this girl and all she'd been through. I cried sad tears for her and her birth mom, and happy tears for the gift He'd so graciously placed in my arms. And there it is- the moment that I felt like her mother, and not just a babysitter. I thanked God for this small miracle (it's really no small miracle at all). We love because He loved us. 

I look in her eyes and I see what I missed. That won't ever go away. I look in her eyes, and see her birth mother- the woman who gave birth to her. It's tragic. Only the very strong (and I'm only very strong with God) can go through this process. The glory all goes to Him. I am blown away every time I stop and think about it- that God would pick someone like me to be her mom. That he put her in our family, to call her ours forever. I mean, I'm not finding the right words to express this. I guess it's one of those things you have to go through yourself to fully comprehend. 

So, here we are, a whole year later. She's taller, her hair is much longer (and she loves having hair to put in piggies like her big sis), she understands and speaks English better than most 2 year olds, she adores her 2 big brothers and big sister (especially her Addison), she adores her grandparents, and she's become such an important part of our family. It feels like she's been with us from the beginning. I am in awe of her determination and independence. She is a smart cookie. Extremely smart. And silly. This girl loves to laugh, loves to make people laugh, and her smile lights up the room! Anyone who has met Scarlett knows how happy she is. She loves to sing and dance. She'll find an elevated surface (fireplace, stair step, table, chair), and just start belting it out- with the classic performance moves. Her current favorite is Let it Go (she watches Frozen at least 3 times a week). She's also got the perfect amount of sass! Her little personality is so sweet, too. And her eyebrows- they are so expressive! Another way she makes us laugh!
Pinch me. I still can't believe I get to be her mom! 

Before I bonded with her, I got to see my kids bond with their new little sis. Man was that something! They loved her from the start. And she bonded to them instantly. Riley was the gentle one- he let her come to him, he was so sweet and patient with her, teaching her words and how to play with her new toys. Addison was the mommy- constantly picking her up, consoling her and giving her snuggles (Scarlett still sometimes prefers Addison over me when she's needing to be held). Chase was the playful one, dancing around and singing with her- those two can be very silly together! My cup overflowed with pride for my 3 biological kids who selflessly and patiently welcomed this new sweetheart into our family. Seeing their lights shine through this journey was an absolute delight to witness! 

When we started this journey, we wondered how this would affect our marriage, our family, and our every day life. You hear stories. It seems that everyone has an opinion or "I have a friend who adopted...' story. The unknown is scary. You don't want to "mess up" your family. 
We prayed. We stepped out in faith and trusted God. He took our hands, parted the seas, and led us through this process. He never once left our side. He taught us many things about Him, and ourselves, as we continued to follow the path He laid before us. 

The night before meeting Scarlett, I was terrified. I was worried that adopting Scarlett could ruin our happy family. I had butterflies in my stomach- no, not butterflies, something bigger. I laid in bed that night before, completely unable to sleep- I listened to the Hillsong United Empires album on repeat- I let the words soak in. 

(from Hillsong's "Captain")

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark
I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark
And if from the course You intend
I depart
Speak to the sails of my wandering heart

Like the wind
You'll guide
Clear the skies before me
And I'll glide this open sea

Like the stars
Your Word
Will align my voyage
And remind me where I've been
And where I am going

Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog
Your truth is the compass that points me back north
Jesus
My Captain
My soul's trusted Lord
All my allegiance is rightfully Yours

I covered myself in God's love and His promises (once again- how can one do this without God?)! We were prepared. We'd read all of the books that were required and recommended. We attended conferences where we learned about what happens to children who come from traumatic beginnings, and how this impacts their brain, and what we would need to do for our daughter. This training brought a knowledge about things that the average person doesn't know about. The heartbreak that comes with this knowledge is almost unbearable. Would our daughter bring these (RAD, sensory disorder, grief tantrums, etc...) to our life? Would we be able to utilize what we'd learned to help her? Would she attach to us and be able to bond with us? Would the experience scar my biological children for life? Would I have no time to spend quality time with them? Could I love her like I love my biological kids? Is 4 kids too many? 

You know who hates adoption? Satan (a.k.a Red Pants). He just loved putting doubt and fear into my head. But I knew without a shadow of a doubt that MY God would see me through no matter what we came up against. I still know that today, as this journey has really only begun! Scarlett is almost 3. She's got a lifetime of challenges ahead of her- as a human (God says that in this life there will be trouble), as an adoptee, and as a child with a special need (although we don't see her missing limb as a special need, the world does). We have no fear as we look to our daughter's future. She's got her creator right by her side. And this girl loves church- she's learning about God, and just today when I asked her what she learned at church, she proudly stated, "God made me!" and pointed to herself. Oh my heart! I have prayed for this child for years. I prayed that she would know that she is loved by a Father so great that He knew before the beginning of time that she'd be ours. 

(from Hillsong's "Here Now, Madness")

Skies spin their dance within Your breath
Time runs its race within Your hand
And my mind runs wild to comprehend
What no mind on earth could understand

Your ways are higher
Your thoughts are wilder
Love came like madness
Poured out in blood-washed romance
It makes no sense but this is grace
And I know You're with me in this place

Here now
Still my heart
Let Your voice be all I hear now
Here now
Fix my eyes on things that I can't see now
Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way
'Cause I know You're in this place

It was a hard year. And an amazing year. I was so close to having all 3 kids in school full time. I was able to sit pool side, enjoying a book while occasionally looking up to give snacks, correct behavior, or watch some awesome jump into the water! I was sprung back into the toddler phase (baby phase in the beginning as she was drinking from a bottle). And we didn't work up from newborn to toddler, we went straight to toddler (this is another thing that's been hard for me to come to terms with- not knowing her as a newborn, 3 month old, 6 month old, etc...). It was harder on me than I thought it would be. And isolating. We kept to ourselves for the first few weeks, letting only close friends/family enter our home (and only if they were bringing meals). In this area we were lucky. Most families are stuck for months in their homes as their children from orphanages can't handle public places. Scarlett was in foster care in China for most of her life. She was taken places by her foster parents, and from the pics I've seen, they were constantly out and about. She knew how to attach and how to bond and accept love, as she'd been loved immensely by her foster parents (thank you, God, for this huge blessing to our girl). 

I was able to take her to meet friends and to the church nursery while I enjoyed my weekly bible study earlier than most. Scarlett is very social. She's also very independent. Most days, she's excited to meet new people and make new friends. But, she knows who her people are. She comes to us for comfort, and to get her basic needs met. That was all established before we landed back in the states. For many families who adopt internationally, the road to attachment is much longer. As I said before, we were prepared for so much more. Watching her grow, and experience all of her firsts has been amazing (her first 4th of July was my favorite). I could write about our experiences together all day! 

Is adoption hard? It sure is. Any story that starts with abandonment and brokenness is. But it's been worth it. It's one of the best things we've done. We said yes to a calling, stepped out in faith, and were willing to have a family that didn't look "normal." I'm so glad we did! I love it when people ask about our family, about our journey to adoption because I get to tell them all about the magnificent love that Jesus has for us all- you can see it through the story of this little girl from China who needed a forever family. He loved us enough to adopt us into His family, so how could we not turn around and do the same?

Here's our girl today- happy, healthy, and part of a forever family!