It's been 1 year. Scarlett's first Gotcha Day!

August 8, 2016- This was a day we'd been waiting for since August 27, 2012 when I sent Nathan an email with a few links about adoption. This is part of what I wrote "Right now, I'm just feeling a very strong calling, but want to gather information and do research first, of course. This process can take a few years, I've heard!

So much happened in the 4 years it took to get on that plane and fly over to our daughter's birth country. We felt called to adopt from Ethiopia. We followed the path God was leading us on. A few years into that journey, God called us to switch countries due to the fact that things were slowing down tremendously in Ethiopia, and the adoption situation over there was looking more and more bleak by the day. On a family trip to Colorado in the summer of 2015, Nathan and I were able to get away just the 2 of us while the kids were at a day camp. We went on a hike and sat by a beautiful stream where we prayed together. We prayed for our family and for the our child- that God would show us what He wanted us to do. He gave us peace to move forward with switching to China. Our hearts broke for the child we were leaving behind in Ethiopia, but felt strongly that God was leading us down a different road (He sometimes does that, and we know that His timing is perfect. Always). I'm not sure how someone would get through this process without faith! 

(to the right see 2 pics we received of Scarlett when we received THE phone call we'd been waiting for- that we'd finally been matched with a child)

(this pic was after lunch and right before going to meet Scarlett- I remember how I felt in this moment- I've never been so nervous)

(this was the moment that we met her- the first pic taken by me of her)

August 8, 2017- We've known our daughter for 1 whole year. I'm still processing the emotions of what this has meant for me as a mother, and for our family. I'm overcome with love for God first and foremost. Let me tell you- the first few months were ugly (getting brutally honest here). While Scarlett was growing and blossoming in our family, I was struggling. And I felt HORRID about it. Like, I hated what I was seeing in myself. Turns out, I'm not alone. There's whole Facebook page dedicated to Post Adoption Depression parents. So, I found myself in a dark place after one of the most amazing experiences of my life! And I definitely was not prepared for it, or equipped to handle it on my own. I'd never suffered from depression or postpartum depression in the past. Luckily we are not alone, and since I recognized that things weren't quite right for me, I reached out for help. I'm thankful for the support of some friends who were going through he same thing who encouraged and supported me through that Facebook group. I also seeked counsel with a therapist who was able to explain to me why I was feeling the way I was. Once I gave myself some grace and room to grow into my love for Scarlett, things changed, and I am praising God for this because there are people who have been suffering for years after adopting their kids!! I can also praise God that He was right there with me through that tough time, teaching me and helping me grow in my faith even more as I leaned on Him to pull me out of that darkness! And now I can support others who are finding themselves in this place after adoption. 


So, basically I had to learn how to bond with Scarlett in a different way than I'd bonded with my 3 biological kids. You see, I carried those 3 kids and felt them grow inside my body. The minute they were born, I loved them fiercely, like no other love you could experience. But with Scarlett, she grew in another woman. That woman bonded with her as this child was formed in her womb. It wasn't me. I didn't give birth to Scarlett. I didn't breast feed Scarlett. As a mother to biological children, I did not know how to bond with Scarlett. Here's where God's perfect timing comes in (yet again). The kids had gone back to school on the day we got home from China. Nathan went back to work the next week. Day after day, it was just Scarlett and I- we had ample time just the 2 of us to get to know one another. It took some time, and moment after moment after moment of me mothering her by bathing, feeding, dressing, and caring for her. Over time, those love in action moments became love in emotion, and finally we formed that mother/daughter bond, and that fierce love grew. I went from acting the love to actually FEELING the love. It took about 3 months, I think. I remember rocking her one day before nap, looking into her sweet face, and becoming overcome with emotion for this girl and all she'd been through. I cried sad tears for her and her birth mom, and happy tears for the gift He'd so graciously placed in my arms. And there it is- the moment that I felt like her mother, and not just a babysitter. I thanked God for this small miracle (it's really no small miracle at all). We love because He loved us. 

I look in her eyes and I see what I missed. That won't ever go away. I look in her eyes, and see her birth mother- the woman who gave birth to her. It's tragic. Only the very strong (and I'm only very strong with God) can go through this process. The glory all goes to Him. I am blown away every time I stop and think about it- that God would pick someone like me to be her mom. That he put her in our family, to call her ours forever. I mean, I'm not finding the right words to express this. I guess it's one of those things you have to go through yourself to fully comprehend. 

So, here we are, a whole year later. She's taller, her hair is much longer (and she loves having hair to put in piggies like her big sis), she understands and speaks English better than most 2 year olds, she adores her 2 big brothers and big sister (especially her Addison), she adores her grandparents, and she's become such an important part of our family. It feels like she's been with us from the beginning. I am in awe of her determination and independence. She is a smart cookie. Extremely smart. And silly. This girl loves to laugh, loves to make people laugh, and her smile lights up the room! Anyone who has met Scarlett knows how happy she is. She loves to sing and dance. She'll find an elevated surface (fireplace, stair step, table, chair), and just start belting it out- with the classic performance moves. Her current favorite is Let it Go (she watches Frozen at least 3 times a week). She's also got the perfect amount of sass! Her little personality is so sweet, too. And her eyebrows- they are so expressive! Another way she makes us laugh!
Pinch me. I still can't believe I get to be her mom! 

Before I bonded with her, I got to see my kids bond with their new little sis. Man was that something! They loved her from the start. And she bonded to them instantly. Riley was the gentle one- he let her come to him, he was so sweet and patient with her, teaching her words and how to play with her new toys. Addison was the mommy- constantly picking her up, consoling her and giving her snuggles (Scarlett still sometimes prefers Addison over me when she's needing to be held). Chase was the playful one, dancing around and singing with her- those two can be very silly together! My cup overflowed with pride for my 3 biological kids who selflessly and patiently welcomed this new sweetheart into our family. Seeing their lights shine through this journey was an absolute delight to witness! 

When we started this journey, we wondered how this would affect our marriage, our family, and our every day life. You hear stories. It seems that everyone has an opinion or "I have a friend who adopted...' story. The unknown is scary. You don't want to "mess up" your family. 
We prayed. We stepped out in faith and trusted God. He took our hands, parted the seas, and led us through this process. He never once left our side. He taught us many things about Him, and ourselves, as we continued to follow the path He laid before us. 

The night before meeting Scarlett, I was terrified. I was worried that adopting Scarlett could ruin our happy family. I had butterflies in my stomach- no, not butterflies, something bigger. I laid in bed that night before, completely unable to sleep- I listened to the Hillsong United Empires album on repeat- I let the words soak in. 

(from Hillsong's "Captain")

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark
I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark
And if from the course You intend
I depart
Speak to the sails of my wandering heart

Like the wind
You'll guide
Clear the skies before me
And I'll glide this open sea

Like the stars
Your Word
Will align my voyage
And remind me where I've been
And where I am going

Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog
Your truth is the compass that points me back north
Jesus
My Captain
My soul's trusted Lord
All my allegiance is rightfully Yours

I covered myself in God's love and His promises (once again- how can one do this without God?)! We were prepared. We'd read all of the books that were required and recommended. We attended conferences where we learned about what happens to children who come from traumatic beginnings, and how this impacts their brain, and what we would need to do for our daughter. This training brought a knowledge about things that the average person doesn't know about. The heartbreak that comes with this knowledge is almost unbearable. Would our daughter bring these (RAD, sensory disorder, grief tantrums, etc...) to our life? Would we be able to utilize what we'd learned to help her? Would she attach to us and be able to bond with us? Would the experience scar my biological children for life? Would I have no time to spend quality time with them? Could I love her like I love my biological kids? Is 4 kids too many? 

You know who hates adoption? Satan (a.k.a Red Pants). He just loved putting doubt and fear into my head. But I knew without a shadow of a doubt that MY God would see me through no matter what we came up against. I still know that today, as this journey has really only begun! Scarlett is almost 3. She's got a lifetime of challenges ahead of her- as a human (God says that in this life there will be trouble), as an adoptee, and as a child with a special need (although we don't see her missing limb as a special need, the world does). We have no fear as we look to our daughter's future. She's got her creator right by her side. And this girl loves church- she's learning about God, and just today when I asked her what she learned at church, she proudly stated, "God made me!" and pointed to herself. Oh my heart! I have prayed for this child for years. I prayed that she would know that she is loved by a Father so great that He knew before the beginning of time that she'd be ours. 

(from Hillsong's "Here Now, Madness")

Skies spin their dance within Your breath
Time runs its race within Your hand
And my mind runs wild to comprehend
What no mind on earth could understand

Your ways are higher
Your thoughts are wilder
Love came like madness
Poured out in blood-washed romance
It makes no sense but this is grace
And I know You're with me in this place

Here now
Still my heart
Let Your voice be all I hear now
Here now
Fix my eyes on things that I can't see now
Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way
'Cause I know You're in this place

It was a hard year. And an amazing year. I was so close to having all 3 kids in school full time. I was able to sit pool side, enjoying a book while occasionally looking up to give snacks, correct behavior, or watch some awesome jump into the water! I was sprung back into the toddler phase (baby phase in the beginning as she was drinking from a bottle). And we didn't work up from newborn to toddler, we went straight to toddler (this is another thing that's been hard for me to come to terms with- not knowing her as a newborn, 3 month old, 6 month old, etc...). It was harder on me than I thought it would be. And isolating. We kept to ourselves for the first few weeks, letting only close friends/family enter our home (and only if they were bringing meals). In this area we were lucky. Most families are stuck for months in their homes as their children from orphanages can't handle public places. Scarlett was in foster care in China for most of her life. She was taken places by her foster parents, and from the pics I've seen, they were constantly out and about. She knew how to attach and how to bond and accept love, as she'd been loved immensely by her foster parents (thank you, God, for this huge blessing to our girl). 

I was able to take her to meet friends and to the church nursery while I enjoyed my weekly bible study earlier than most. Scarlett is very social. She's also very independent. Most days, she's excited to meet new people and make new friends. But, she knows who her people are. She comes to us for comfort, and to get her basic needs met. That was all established before we landed back in the states. For many families who adopt internationally, the road to attachment is much longer. As I said before, we were prepared for so much more. Watching her grow, and experience all of her firsts has been amazing (her first 4th of July was my favorite). I could write about our experiences together all day! 

Is adoption hard? It sure is. Any story that starts with abandonment and brokenness is. But it's been worth it. It's one of the best things we've done. We said yes to a calling, stepped out in faith, and were willing to have a family that didn't look "normal." I'm so glad we did! I love it when people ask about our family, about our journey to adoption because I get to tell them all about the magnificent love that Jesus has for us all- you can see it through the story of this little girl from China who needed a forever family. He loved us enough to adopt us into His family, so how could we not turn around and do the same?

Here's our girl today- happy, healthy, and part of a forever family! 

1 month home- our new normal

Update: Right after posting this, another adoption friend posted something that she'd seen on a shirt and I just have to add it. She saw a shirt that says LOVE MAKES ROOM. Things have changed for our family and we've all had to make room in our own way. Addison is no longer the only girl. Sharing daughter status is shaking her world up. The boys have another sister. The shake up is all worth it, though. I've come to realize that we all need Scarlett as much as she needs us. Things are better with her here. She's teaching us things and opening our eyes in ways that will change us forever.

We've been home for 1 month already. Time really flies when you've got 4 kiddos! It's hard to know where to start. I need to organize my thoughts- maybe make an outline like I did back in the days of English class.

I'll intro by saying that we're doing great, much better than we could have dreamed. Of course we prayed that the transition would be smooth, but man has God ever answered our prayers with Scarlett. Infant and Toddler services was at my house this morning, evaluating Scarlett, and they were amazed at how great she's doing, just 1 month after being in the States. She mimics words and actions, she follows commands, she sings and dances, she loves to laugh and be silly. She has the best smile, and will just flash it at you for no apparent reason. Her joy for life is contagious. When I think about the reality of what she's been through in her short little life, this pure joy is all the more wonderful to witness. I love the sound of the 4 kids squealing with laughter because of her antics. Speaking of the kids- man do they love their little sister. She adores them too and has already little traditions that she does with all of them. Riley does this gentle wrestle thing with her where he crashes her down to the ground, but she lands on him, cushioning her from the floor. His friends like to come over and play with her too, which is just about the sweetest thing. They've taught her the important skill of the fist bump. Addison is like her second mommy. She puts her in her carseat or her booster, strapping her in and making sure she's ready to go. She plays with her while I cook dinner and makes sure that she's not going up or down the stairs. Scarlett reaches for Addison to pick her up- she's happy to be carried around by her big sister. Chase is just as silly as Scarlett, so once they get started, there's lots of laughter! I envisioned what our lives would be like with this little one for so long, and now that she's here, I'm so excited about how well the kids are getting along. My favorite part of the day is right before bedtime when we sit in Scarlett's room together and read a book and then the rounds of hugs and kisses start. I know these days are fleeting, and these sweet moments will be no longer before I know it.

In this last month, we've spent a lot of time just hanging at our house- getting Scarlett used to her new environment, foods, language, and people. We've also enjoyed a lot of firsts as a family of 6. My personal favorite was our first trip to the lake as a family of 6. I'm so glad we got Scarlett home in time to join us for our Labor Day trip!

We also took Scarlett in for her first doctor's appointment. She was evaluated by a pediatrician at Children's Mercy in the International Adoption Clinic. She got a few shots (lots of crying here), an x-ray of her left hand (very traumatic experience for her), and blood work done (even more traumatic). Her x-ray shows that she has her radius and ulna bones- she sure can do a lot with her left hand- I love to watch her figure things out. I treat her the same as the other 3- if she needs help, she asks me, but she really likes to do things herself. Her blood work all came back just fine. We're so thankful for her health. Next week we go to the limb clinic at Children's Mercy. We've got some amazing resources here in Kansas City!

Let's talk attachment and bonding. After a few episodes in one day of her reaching out for someone other than Nathan and I to be held, it hasn't happened again. She seems to know who mom and dad are. She socializes with other adults- hands them toys, gives them food, etc... but comes to Nathan or I for comfort. We are still refining our attachment. Attachment is formed through trust. Scarlett is still learning to trust us. The area where we are still working on this is bed time. She goes down easily, but wakes up a few times in the night with night terrors. She is consoled and goes back to sleep quickly, so it's not a huge problem, but of course we want her sleeping soundly through the night. I've talked to many other adoptive parents through our adoption agency (thankful for our agency Facebook page where I get so much support and encouragement) and it sounds like this is a very normal experience. They all said that it gets better as the kids learn to trust more and more each day. Something I wasn't expecting, and what the blogs I've read don't really talk about is that bonding can be tough for the mama. It all makes sense, really. For 9 months I carried my 3 bio kids. And then they were newborns and I fed them and cared for them each minute, hour, and day as time quickly passed and they grew and grew and grew. By the time they were 2, I knew them in and out. Our love had grown as we learned how to be a mom/child together. With Scarlett, we were given a 2 year old who we'd never met before, we filled out some paperwork, and took her back to our hotel room. This child who didn't understand or speak our language. We took her from her foster family- the only family she'd known since she was an infant. We had no idea what to feed her at our first meal. No idea- we are her parents, and we had no idea what would comfort her,  what she likes to eat, what her daily routine was in her foster home. This is the hard part of adoption that people don't talk much about. My love for her is growing- we're getting there. I'm adjusting to having a 2 year old in the house and all of the chaos that brings. I'm thankful that God chose me to be her mommy.  I follow people who are adopting through our agency on Facebook so I can relive our trip to China and the day we met our daughter.

Another thing for me is constantly questioning my parenting skills and my ability to raise an adopted daughter. I'm sure I'm messing up my bio kids in some way as well, but for some reason the stakes seem higher with the beautiful soul from a traumatic past. This thought doesn't come from God, so I pray when I feel these feelings. God called us to adopt Scarlett. He brought us together, so I know that He's right here with me and I can lean on Him when I'm feeling insufficient!

All in all, the first month has been good. I just know that each month will get better and better as we continue to adjust to our new normal. I wake up each day and give our day to God- and pray. I get my strength, courage, peace and joy from His presence in my day.

I'll leave you with a few pics from our month.

Day 14, Wednesday August 17th Going home

We had breakfast in the hotel restaurant. It was good, but expensive (not included in our stay like the other hotels). Nathan gave Scarlett a bath- a good idea to do before the long flight! I'm sure we'll all be plenty stinky.

At 11:30, we headed over to the airport (it was attached to the hotel- that's why our agency arranged for us to stay there). Here's what we were dealing with:

At least we're well organized, and look at that sweet girl- her shirt says "there's no place like home". She's ready to start her life with us in the great state of Kansas! We're dreading the flight, honestly, but we can't get home without it- there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Who knows how Scarlett will do on a 15 hour flight. Who knows?!
I'm not feeling good today- I feel like I'm starting to get what Nathan and Scarlett have had the past few days. Just great- getting on an airplane sick is not fun!

The flight was delayed by 1 hour, but we had a good 4 hour layover in Dallas, so we weren't worried about it. It's another rainy day in Hong Kong. That's why we're delayed. 

The flight was bad. But it could have been worse. Nathan would probably say it was worse than I would say. He was a sweetheart and took on most of the Scarlett duties. I was just feeling so lousy. I'll bet he was too... I owe him. He rocked her back to sleep, took her on walks to calm her down, and held her for hours while she slept and re positioned herself a gazillion times to try to get comfortable (which is nearly impossible on someone's lap). I watched 3 movies and tried to sleep many times. I was in the middle- there was a girl to my right- it was just not fun. The last 4 hours were brutal. Like tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Torture! 

We landed in Dallas and were exhausted. Not Scarlett- she was rather chipper. I'm glad for that. Oh customs... I don't even know what to say here. I certainly don't have anything nice to say about it. The line was long. Like so long we thought it very possible we wouldn't make our connecting flight to KC (being one hour late did not help the outlook on this). We got through the line faster than we thought we would, and handed the customs officer Scarlett's paperwork. The famous brown package that was to only be opened by them. We were simply the couriers for it. The officer then took us to the immigration waiting room. That's where the true torture began. I've never been in such a bad situation as we were in that room. It was bad. Very bad. The officers were jerks, and they weren't doing their jobs. The waiting rooms were full and it was frustrating. We were going on over 24 hours of no sleep, so we were literally dying. Okay, not really. But I was so tired, I thought I might die. 

Scarlett fell asleep in the stroller and missed all of the fun in that room. 

We missed our connecting flight thanks to the immigration bozos. Ugh I'm so mad at them. But, by this time, I don't want to get on another plane. I just want to lay my head down in a bed and sleep. Ahhh sleep sounds like heaven. We go get our suitcases that have been sitting on the belt alone for hours (so not cool), and head to the ticket counter where we find out that our flight to KC was actually delayed and we maybe could have made it, but probably not because it was in a different terminal. Whatever, just put us on a flight in the morning and we'll go to a hotel. 

We ended up at the Hyatt that was connected to the airport. A shuttle came and picked us up. Walking through the airport- to our bags, then to the ticket counter, then out to where the shuttle was, then into the hotel... I honestly felt like my legs might fall off completely. I just wanted to sit down and cry my eyes out. 

I got into the room at 9:30, brushed my teeth, and laid down for a night of sleep. I woke up at 12:30am and felt like it must be 5am! It was heartbreaking to see that it was only midnight, and I'd only slept for 3 hours! I was in and out of sleep for the next few hours. Scarlett woke up at 2:30am ready for the day. Man are our internal clocks messed up!! I gave her snacks, let her watch tv, and gave her toys and tried to sleep for the next 2.5 hours. The wake up call came at 5am. I felt like a zombie, but took a quick shower. My left eye was swollen, crusty and puffy. Clearly all of the excitement had made me pretty sick. Nathan woke up with the exact same looking eye. Really!? 

We got to the airport and went through security one more time. I'm so done with airports. Nathan had to go back to the ticket counter and get a new ticket. The lady from the night before had printed out 2 copies of my ticket instead of one for each... of course she did. 

We made it through security with Scarlett's bottle filled with water. Nathan had to show them Scarlett to get the bottle back. Man, we have to have that bottle! What would have happened if they'd thrown it away?! This happened almost a week ago... but just re-living it now is stressing me out. Haha! 

We got some Starbucks (it's never been more necessary) and some fruit for Scarlett. She was happy to sit in her stroller and eat some breakfast. She's been so chill through all of this. I'm so grateful. 

The flight wasn't full, so we got 3 seats. Scarlett fell asleep in Nathan's arms and I listened to music and rested my eyes for the 1.5 hour flight. I listened to the Hillsong United Empires album over and over and over during this trip. It just encouraged me and really spoke to me. I'm thankful for the lyrics that this band comes up with. 

Mark picked us up at the airport. Nathan slammed the van trunk lid on me and Scarlett's heads... he felt so bad. Sleep deprivation is a bad thing. I'm glad Mark drove us home. We would be like drunk drivers at this point. It was so nice to be in our country, in our van, in our state, in our city, and finally in our house! Scarlett did good in the carseat. We thought she'd freak out since she wasn't used to being strapped in during car rides. 

The kids were at school, but my mom was there waiting for us. You could see how excited the grandparents were to meet their new granddaughter. I loved seeing the joy on my mom's face as she laid eyes on Scarlett. I'll bet they end up with a special bond. 

The rest of the day was spent introducing her to the dogs (they were super excited to see me), the house, and her room. We had lunch together at our kitchen table and laid her down for a nap. I woke her up right before Nathan got home with the kids, and then the kids got to meet her. 

There aren't words to express the feelings I was feeling being with the other 3 kids again, and proudly showing them their new sibling. They wanted to touch her, they wanted her to play with them, but we had to explain to them how important it was to go slow and be gentle with her. Paige and Troy, the kids next door, came running over (their dad, Travis, did too while we were waiting for the kids to pull up). Riley had a few friends from school who were dying to meet her, and they came in, too.  Looking back, we should have locked up our house and not let anyone in- it was too much for Scarlett. Too many new faces in one day. We should have been ready to guard her, but we didn't have the conversation and we were probably too tired to care at the time. 

These are images from that first day. There's so much getting to know each other things that will happen by the next post I write. I'm excited to see Scarlett bloom in our family. I pray that I can be the kind of mom that she so deserves!